I have just been for a walk in the woods to clear my head and I listened to part of the interview.
Time stands still, time is suspended almost as if my life is a tape recording and someone has pressed the pause button..... not me you understand. Paul asked me for memories that stand out - it was as if he had pressed the pause button right then but I knew he hadn't, someone else had all those years ago. Sitting in the meeting hall on a Sunday morning in the silence - and time stood still. And in that empty space of frozen time there is a nothingness, a blankness.
There was a clock ticking in Paul's room - in the timeless silence I heard it, not ticking the time away but sounding like a broken record stopped in an endless groove, never moving onwards, just sitting there. I wondered - is this how I experienced those tedious and often scary meetings? Meetings that were filled with incomprehensible pleadings, pontifications, prayerful exhortations - none of which I understood.
I lived in my own inner fantasy world - I am very good at drifting away into that world even now. I can be listening to a fascinating lecture and annoyingly I drift away and miss crucial parts of it. Do other people do this too?
Probably
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Resorting to an inner fantasy world is surely an expected reaction to the implosion of one's real world. For me, inner fantasies of better worlds than my own continued for many years after I left. I suspect that the diminution in the frequency of resorting to those worlds was a direct consequence of my becoming more settled in this one.
Interesting comment Tom - maybe I am still not very settled in this world yet! Oddly many of my fantasies are around disaster, things going wrong etc
Yes im ex eb too and listening to the clock ticking has often been a big part of me life.I understand about life seeming to stand still
Thank you anonymous - it is always reassuring to know that I am not the only one experiencing these things.
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