I have just reread my entries and see that I commented on the time issue twice - odd that i did not realise. Perhaps time really has stood still for me!! (or maybe early dementia)... Clearly it is preoccupying me and as I watch my mother's time coming to an end and for her time is nothing but confusion now maybe it has become an important aspect of life for me - a real existential issue.
I want to say something about authenticity but will listen to the recording again too. I am curious though that time and authenticity should come into my thoughts and at the same time I get a job teaching on a counselling psychology programme that takes an existential perspective.
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
Time
I have just been for a walk in the woods to clear my head and I listened to part of the interview.
Time stands still, time is suspended almost as if my life is a tape recording and someone has pressed the pause button..... not me you understand. Paul asked me for memories that stand out - it was as if he had pressed the pause button right then but I knew he hadn't, someone else had all those years ago. Sitting in the meeting hall on a Sunday morning in the silence - and time stood still. And in that empty space of frozen time there is a nothingness, a blankness.
There was a clock ticking in Paul's room - in the timeless silence I heard it, not ticking the time away but sounding like a broken record stopped in an endless groove, never moving onwards, just sitting there. I wondered - is this how I experienced those tedious and often scary meetings? Meetings that were filled with incomprehensible pleadings, pontifications, prayerful exhortations - none of which I understood.
I lived in my own inner fantasy world - I am very good at drifting away into that world even now. I can be listening to a fascinating lecture and annoyingly I drift away and miss crucial parts of it. Do other people do this too?
Probably
Time stands still, time is suspended almost as if my life is a tape recording and someone has pressed the pause button..... not me you understand. Paul asked me for memories that stand out - it was as if he had pressed the pause button right then but I knew he hadn't, someone else had all those years ago. Sitting in the meeting hall on a Sunday morning in the silence - and time stood still. And in that empty space of frozen time there is a nothingness, a blankness.
There was a clock ticking in Paul's room - in the timeless silence I heard it, not ticking the time away but sounding like a broken record stopped in an endless groove, never moving onwards, just sitting there. I wondered - is this how I experienced those tedious and often scary meetings? Meetings that were filled with incomprehensible pleadings, pontifications, prayerful exhortations - none of which I understood.
I lived in my own inner fantasy world - I am very good at drifting away into that world even now. I can be listening to a fascinating lecture and annoyingly I drift away and miss crucial parts of it. Do other people do this too?
Probably
The interview
As I expected after the interview I feel very tired.
I should correct something from yesterday - because I did not know how to describe the interviewer I called him a colleague. In fact it would be more accurate to call him one of my tutors from the college Metanoia where I am registered for my doctorate. His name is Paul.
We talked for about one hour and a quarter - maybe we could have gone on longer but I was flagging and I think for both us so much emerged it was enough for one day!
Lingering thoughts - some are around the fact that I don't celebrate my life - it is now 50 years this year since I left and I have achieved a lot in those 50 years but I don't celebrate. So this summer I think I should along with many others who have left - like those who left 40 years ago after the Aberdeen incident. It is also a milestone year for them(for those who have never been in this branch of the brethren the Aberdeen incident occurred in 1970 when the then leader James Taylor Jnr. was allegedly found in bed with a distant cousin of mine. Both of them were married so this incident was described as adultery and many thousands left).
When Paul asked me his first question a heavy silence descended on me and could be felt in the room. I felt that hand across my mouth that I have felt so many times before though a it is more rare occasion these days. I tried breaking the silence by talking about it but the ticking clock and the external silence that was in the house around us, transported me back to my childhood and the long silences of the meetings. It was as if time stood still. Is this how I experienced it then? And this feeling of pressure in my chest, an inwards sinking of my breast bone and a pulling in of my body ... is that how it was? I also recalled some peace though - as the sun shone through the windows of the meeting room in Selsdon and the local church bells called the "faithful to church" - but we knew they were not the faithful as we were in the only true church. But there was a kind of momentary peace. The giving out of a hymn or a brother standing to pray shattered that peace.
That silence is powerful - it deprives me of the words I never had. Even writing this now I can feel the tight band round my head as I transport myself back again to that meeting room. The evening gospel was far from peaceful - we children sat on that front row beneath the preacher and his 'pulpit'. His words thundered like heavy hail down on our young shoulders, Sunday after Sunday after Sunday.
At one point Paul used the word 'embedded' and I felt it was a good word to describe how I was embedded in that EB world, enmeshed in it, it was part of me and I was part of it. To some extent I still am and I suspect this journey I am on is part of that. Will the journey end with this doctorate - I hope so for I am now a weary traveller.
I have found my voice but it is still silenced at times and at other times it seems to come from a different person and I am not always sure which of my persons is the authentic one. I sometimes observe them, hear myself speaking and wonder that I can sound so erudite and lively and excited by what I am talking about. Is that me? Right now as I write these words I can feel the struggle and the frustration I feel as I try to voice the feelings inside me.
I will listen to the interview again and transcribe it and maybe post some parts of it on here.
Thank you Paul for being a sensitive, accepting and empathic listener.
If you have had a similar experience it would be good to hear from you. And if you have had a different experience it would also be good to hear from you.
I should correct something from yesterday - because I did not know how to describe the interviewer I called him a colleague. In fact it would be more accurate to call him one of my tutors from the college Metanoia where I am registered for my doctorate. His name is Paul.
We talked for about one hour and a quarter - maybe we could have gone on longer but I was flagging and I think for both us so much emerged it was enough for one day!
Lingering thoughts - some are around the fact that I don't celebrate my life - it is now 50 years this year since I left and I have achieved a lot in those 50 years but I don't celebrate. So this summer I think I should along with many others who have left - like those who left 40 years ago after the Aberdeen incident. It is also a milestone year for them(for those who have never been in this branch of the brethren the Aberdeen incident occurred in 1970 when the then leader James Taylor Jnr. was allegedly found in bed with a distant cousin of mine. Both of them were married so this incident was described as adultery and many thousands left).
When Paul asked me his first question a heavy silence descended on me and could be felt in the room. I felt that hand across my mouth that I have felt so many times before though a it is more rare occasion these days. I tried breaking the silence by talking about it but the ticking clock and the external silence that was in the house around us, transported me back to my childhood and the long silences of the meetings. It was as if time stood still. Is this how I experienced it then? And this feeling of pressure in my chest, an inwards sinking of my breast bone and a pulling in of my body ... is that how it was? I also recalled some peace though - as the sun shone through the windows of the meeting room in Selsdon and the local church bells called the "faithful to church" - but we knew they were not the faithful as we were in the only true church. But there was a kind of momentary peace. The giving out of a hymn or a brother standing to pray shattered that peace.
That silence is powerful - it deprives me of the words I never had. Even writing this now I can feel the tight band round my head as I transport myself back again to that meeting room. The evening gospel was far from peaceful - we children sat on that front row beneath the preacher and his 'pulpit'. His words thundered like heavy hail down on our young shoulders, Sunday after Sunday after Sunday.
At one point Paul used the word 'embedded' and I felt it was a good word to describe how I was embedded in that EB world, enmeshed in it, it was part of me and I was part of it. To some extent I still am and I suspect this journey I am on is part of that. Will the journey end with this doctorate - I hope so for I am now a weary traveller.
I have found my voice but it is still silenced at times and at other times it seems to come from a different person and I am not always sure which of my persons is the authentic one. I sometimes observe them, hear myself speaking and wonder that I can sound so erudite and lively and excited by what I am talking about. Is that me? Right now as I write these words I can feel the struggle and the frustration I feel as I try to voice the feelings inside me.
I will listen to the interview again and transcribe it and maybe post some parts of it on here.
Thank you Paul for being a sensitive, accepting and empathic listener.
If you have had a similar experience it would be good to hear from you. And if you have had a different experience it would also be good to hear from you.
Saturday, 10 April 2010
Being interviewed
On Tuesday - a therapist colleague of mine is going to interview me about my experiences as a child and about what it was like to leave the brethren at such a difficult age, ie 16. I am trying not to think about it as it seems important that I dont come up with pre thought out ideas but answer his questions and probes as he makes them. But I wonder how it will go given that I have thought so much about my past, my experiences and have been in therapy a number of times trying to make sense of my past and of my experiences.
We shall see what he manages to get to from me!
I am having some difficulties getting the questionnaires together - one of them costs a bomb to purchase so that has somewhat stymied our attempts to really get going on this research.
I am a little bothered by the lack of response so far to the resurrection of my blog but I guess it just hasn't been noticed yet.... or has it and you just haven't written anything!! Please do - I would love to hear from you even if it is only to say you are listening!
One thought I have had recently is about authenticity - were we as children able to be authentic. I shall think about this some more but it ties in which another phrase i heard some years ago and that was about the proxy self. In other words, as children were we able to true to ourselves or did we build defences to keep ourselves safe.
We shall see what he manages to get to from me!
I am having some difficulties getting the questionnaires together - one of them costs a bomb to purchase so that has somewhat stymied our attempts to really get going on this research.
I am a little bothered by the lack of response so far to the resurrection of my blog but I guess it just hasn't been noticed yet.... or has it and you just haven't written anything!! Please do - I would love to hear from you even if it is only to say you are listening!
One thought I have had recently is about authenticity - were we as children able to be authentic. I shall think about this some more but it ties in which another phrase i heard some years ago and that was about the proxy self. In other words, as children were we able to true to ourselves or did we build defences to keep ourselves safe.
Saturday, 3 April 2010
I'm Back!!
But for how long. I am full of good intentions!
Much has happened since I was last here - I presented at a conference in Geneva July 2009 and there were 4 brethren in the audience including my brother. I have had very little contact with him - it's a long story that perhaps I will tell another time.
Right now - I have two research projects on the go.
One is a quantitative study - I will be looking for a very large sample to test. I have a colleague working on this with me - Andrew is a research methodology expert currently working at the University of Bournemouth so he can provide me statistics help as well as resources including money for the questionnaires. Great! Now that I am no longer at the London Metropolitan University his collaboration is essential. So if you are an ex member of the Exclusive Brethren and would like to take part please email me on brethrenresearch@googlemail.com. No names will be used on the questionnaires so it will be completely anonymous. I am hoping to present the results of this research at a conference in New York this July.
The second study is qualitative. I want to know more about what it is like to be brought up in the brethren. I know what it was like when I was a child though I have forgotten much of it and I have someone lined up who will be interviewing me - I feel a bit nervous about that because I do still get triggered off sometimes and end up occasionally an emotional mess!! But I would also like to interview others particularly those with childhoods more recent than my own. I also want to know more about the experiences of leaving and what people do to help themselves, how do they cope with the transition. And what is life like now.
Lots to talk about really. If you think you might be interested in helping me here - again please email me!
I hope I come here more often now - as part of the qualitative research I need to be keeping a research diary anyway!
But for my first posting in a long while that will do for now.
Much has happened since I was last here - I presented at a conference in Geneva July 2009 and there were 4 brethren in the audience including my brother. I have had very little contact with him - it's a long story that perhaps I will tell another time.
Right now - I have two research projects on the go.
One is a quantitative study - I will be looking for a very large sample to test. I have a colleague working on this with me - Andrew is a research methodology expert currently working at the University of Bournemouth so he can provide me statistics help as well as resources including money for the questionnaires. Great! Now that I am no longer at the London Metropolitan University his collaboration is essential. So if you are an ex member of the Exclusive Brethren and would like to take part please email me on brethrenresearch@googlemail.com. No names will be used on the questionnaires so it will be completely anonymous. I am hoping to present the results of this research at a conference in New York this July.
The second study is qualitative. I want to know more about what it is like to be brought up in the brethren. I know what it was like when I was a child though I have forgotten much of it and I have someone lined up who will be interviewing me - I feel a bit nervous about that because I do still get triggered off sometimes and end up occasionally an emotional mess!! But I would also like to interview others particularly those with childhoods more recent than my own. I also want to know more about the experiences of leaving and what people do to help themselves, how do they cope with the transition. And what is life like now.
Lots to talk about really. If you think you might be interested in helping me here - again please email me!
I hope I come here more often now - as part of the qualitative research I need to be keeping a research diary anyway!
But for my first posting in a long while that will do for now.
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