My mother

Just over a week ago my mother died in her sleep on the 12th june at 7am. Her last days were not easy - in fact her last two years were not easy but neither particularly was her life.
Her funeral is Monday 27th June - there will be a lot of people there, people who have not seen her for years, people who did not come to visit her when she was in the care homes or the hospital but they will be there at the funeral. What is that all about?

Also at the funeral is likely to be her oldest child, her first born, her son Roger. For over 30 years he did not come anywhere near us then he began visiting every 2-3 years and more recently every few months. But in her final hours, he did not come. Will he bring a group of brethren with him to the funeral? Probably. How would my mother react to that - she would not want them there and if he is there, she would want him to stand with us and not apart.

I find this all so painful and would love to hear other's experiences.

Time passes

I dont seem able to keep this blog going which is a pity.
I have now carried out three interviews and one thing that strikes me is how different each person's experience of childhood in the brethren is. If I consider my experience too, there seem to be so far three different ways in which parents mediate the teachings of the brethren.

1. The teachings are so strictly held that the child grows up believing there is only one perspective, does not realise there are many different ways of looking at things, does not even think about the possibility of leaving, is not aware at all that such a possibility exists, but instead is soundly indoctrinated, living sometimes in fear of getting it wrong.

2. The teachings are interpreted and not so strongly inculcated, independent thought is encouraged as is education, different perspectives are discussed in the home. The person may or may not realise that they can leave and will leave

3 Some are aware early on that they will leave one day and until they are old enough to do so they live with inner conflict as battles rage between what the brethren teach is right so it must be right, and what the child feels is right - which therefore must be wrong but it doesn't feel wrong. The battle is between the indoctrinated self and the real self. The life led is a double one.

These are of course summaries and generalisations - many probably experience more than one.

Of course I am sure there are other scenarios.
I would like to interview someone who falls nearest to situation 1 if possible.

It is not easy interviewing people I know I have realised - maybe they find it difficult too as they are talking about things that perhaps they would not ordinarily share with me. i wonder if perhaps knowing me means they hold back though there have been no signs that they have.

Comments more than welcome!
Jill

Macs

Just looked at the stats for this blog - the majority of you are Mac owners!! cool. 77% of you in fact.
But although many people are reading this blog - only a few of you are commenting - I would be very interested to hear what you think I should be focussing on! What is the one thing you would like to tell the world? That is what the BBC interviewer asked me.

So get talking!
Jill

The first interview

I have finally managed to do the first interview - ended up being in two parts. It felt quite strange - having to keep quiet really and letting the interviewee speak as he wished instead of joining in and making a conversation out of it. I wanted to comment, compare my experiences and so on but I had to bracket those off and try to make sense of my interviewees experiences. What did they mean to him - not what do they mean to me.
He was a good first person to interview because he just kept on talking and it was all good, clear and interesting - many thanks.

One thing that struck me was how different his experience of leaving was to mine - I did not choose to leave but simply left when my parents left. He chose to leave, planned for it, and yet still it was very difficult and still is. Of course the Exclusive Brethren will put this down to the struggle he is going through because he has left the one and only true path. My brother exhorts me to give up my battle "You will find He is not against you despite everything you may have done against Him. Just repent and prove the riches of His love and grace towards you. His attitude is the same as it ever was – only one of blessing, and this will continue until time, not grace, runs out."

Some of the things my interviewee talked about resonated for me and I have continued to process these - parallels in my own life. My next hurdle after transcribing the interview is to analyse it and again I must put my own experiences to one side when I do so.

I am looking for someone to test the online questionnaires now - but I think I need to look at them first... when i have time!