I am beginning to go through some of the books and tracts we found in my mother's flat after she died. I have just been reading through "The Bridegroom Cometh" and observing with some amusement how my mind finds the familiar words almost hypnotic and I feel my mind going back to those times when such words floated over my head like a wave. Words that once held me in their power. I can almost sense my neurones firing happily away reading something so familiar - the familiar phrases and exhortations. Fortunately for me my cortex is overriding this almost primitive response. It reminds of me Lifton and his 8 factors of thought reform. For those who don't know about these, one of them is called Loading the Language. The group interprets or uses words and phrases in new ways so that often the outside world does not understand. This jargon consists of thought-terminating clichés, which serve to alter members' thought processes to conform to the group's way of thinking. (from wikipedia) Such a strange sensation after all these years - somewhere deep inside of me, I remember. Anyone else recognise this phenomena and how do you deal with it. There was a time when this "magic" would have continued to bewitch me - but no longer

Well it is a very long time since I was here and they have changed things so I am a little lost. I am now running two studies - one is a quantitative one and for that I need around 400 participants. It involves responding to a package of questionnaires that look at general psychological health, interpersonal problems, trauma, attitudes to the exclusive brethren, and of course one about you! It takes a while to complete but if you would like to take part and you are someone who has left the EB please go to www.peebs.net and click on the green banner near the top!! The other one is the qualitative one I have been trying to complete for years! My mother's long period of ill health definitely hindered this and even now i am still exhausted so progress is slow. I am finding this hard. I intend coming here more frequently now and use this space to reflect on my progress and on my thoughts and feelings about doing all of this. Right now this is just a start and it feels very strange to be here because I don't know who is listening!! see you again soon!