The interview

As I expected after the interview I feel very tired.
I should correct something from yesterday - because I did not know how to describe the interviewer I called him a colleague. In fact it would be more accurate to call him one of my tutors from the college Metanoia where I am registered for my doctorate. His name is Paul.

We talked for about one hour and a quarter - maybe we could have gone on longer but I was flagging and I think for both us so much emerged it was enough for one day!

Lingering thoughts - some are around the fact that I don't celebrate my life - it is now 50 years this year since I left and I have achieved a lot in those 50 years but I don't celebrate. So this summer I think I should along with many others who have left - like those who left 40 years ago after the Aberdeen incident. It is also a milestone year for them(for those who have never been in this branch of the brethren the Aberdeen incident occurred in 1970 when the then leader James Taylor Jnr. was allegedly found in bed with a distant cousin of mine. Both of them were married so this incident was described as adultery and many thousands left).

When Paul asked me his first question a heavy silence descended on me and could be felt in the room. I felt that hand across my mouth that I have felt so many times before though a it is more rare occasion these days. I tried breaking the silence by talking about it but the ticking clock and the external silence that was in the house around us, transported me back to my childhood and the long silences of the meetings. It was as if time stood still. Is this how I experienced it then? And this feeling of pressure in my chest, an inwards sinking of my breast bone and a pulling in of my body ... is that how it was? I also recalled some peace though - as the sun shone through the windows of the meeting room in Selsdon and the local church bells called the "faithful to church" - but we knew they were not the faithful as we were in the only true church. But there was a kind of momentary peace. The giving out of a hymn or a brother standing to pray shattered that peace.

That silence is powerful - it deprives me of the words I never had. Even writing this now I can feel the tight band round my head as I transport myself back again to that meeting room. The evening gospel was far from peaceful - we children sat on that front row beneath the preacher and his 'pulpit'. His words thundered like heavy hail down on our young shoulders, Sunday after Sunday after Sunday.

At one point Paul used the word 'embedded' and I felt it was a good word to describe how I was embedded in that EB world, enmeshed in it, it was part of me and I was part of it. To some extent I still am and I suspect this journey I am on is part of that. Will the journey end with this doctorate - I hope so for I am now a weary traveller.

I have found my voice but it is still silenced at times and at other times it seems to come from a different person and I am not always sure which of my persons is the authentic one. I sometimes observe them, hear myself speaking and wonder that I can sound so erudite and lively and excited by what I am talking about. Is that me? Right now as I write these words I can feel the struggle and the frustration I feel as I try to voice the feelings inside me.

I will listen to the interview again and transcribe it and maybe post some parts of it on here.
Thank you Paul for being a sensitive, accepting and empathic listener.

If you have had a similar experience it would be good to hear from you. And if you have had a different experience it would also be good to hear from you.